Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Validation for the Crazy

You know how people are supposed to be like snowflakes - no two are ever the same (except for identical twins)? And how within one person's genetic and aesthetic make-up, symmetry is a scarcity among the physical attributes? I'm concerned that I'm one of those people who maybe take that to the next level. I am starting to notice some things about myself that are making me feel a little uneasy. For example, I have this pair of shoes I wear around the office that include a velcro strap (yes, apparently I am a 5 year old). The strap on my left foot consistantly comes undone, while the strap on my right foot stays securely in place. What do I deduce from this? Instead of a rational thought like maybe the velcro straps were uneven, I assume that my left foot is fatter than my right and the shoe just can't contain it. (Incidentally, I need to be very aware of who I share this theory with because I happened to mention it to a coworker when she pointed out the loose strap, and she seemed to not know what to do or say in response. Oops).
I've also noticed that the bottom of my my right pantleg only gets all salty from the snow salt. Instead of chalking that up to the probability that it's due to driving and resting my right foot on the back of its heel and thus transferring the salt from the bottom of my shoe to the pantleg, I assume that it's all because my right leg is shorter than my left. I am also of the belief that the weight of my boobs is going to result in the development of a hunchback (because surely a hunchback won't develop from my piss-poor posture), and so when combined with the gait of having one leg shorter than the other and one foot fatter than the other (of which the eventual weight of said foot might cause one to drag it), I'm going to end up looking like this:

Ryan? Eat your heart out.

Remember when I talked about my bathroom phobias and you all thought I was crazy? This week, my 'crazy' was validated when a coworker was telling a group of us over the lunch hour about her husband's coworker who was recently 'encouraged' to retire after it had been discovered he had a camera set up in his bathroom, where business clients and coworkers were known to be when they paid a visit to his home office. How was this discovered? When a neighbour down the street picked up the feed of the home video on the camera in his truck that's supposed to show the area outside of the vehicle. I can't say for certain, but where do you think he hid that camera? I'm guessing the ceiling fan was a probability. Let me hear you say it; "Loony - you were right."
The unfortunate thing, is that once one crazy is validated, it progresses to the next level. When it comes to my bathroom conspiracy, I am no longer just worried about the living watching me pee...


No shit you guys - I mean, how are you supposed to hide from that? A stall without an overhead grate or built-in floor drain won't protect me from supernatural perverts wanting to catch glimpses of my cha cha. We are all totally screwed.

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