Wednesday, September 8, 2010

No Kudos for Almost Wetting the Bed

Life has been really stressful for the past couple weeks and despite the pending ulcer I can feel forging in to the lining of my stomach, I continue to feel that causing undue stress for the customer relations departments of large corporations is an excellent idea.  If this simple act doesn't cheer me up, then what will?
Today's 'target' is the Mars Corporation - you know, the chocolate bar manufacturers?  I was offered a "Kudos" granola bar from a co-worker today of which she exclaimed "and they're only 100 calories!".  It didn't take long for me to discover that she had fallen victim to (and was thus also perpetuating) false advertisement.  The bar she handed me was not in fact 100 calories - it was 130.  The problem with this is that the product packaging clearly states on the label "100 Calories Per Bar!"  (see image below).  Needless to say, Mars got a letter:

As a first-time consumer of your product, I figured it was my responsibility to let you know that there is a conflict of information on your product packaging.  The box that the bars come in clearly states 130 calories per bar on the front (for the Peanut Butter flavour) - as seen here:

However, the individual wrappers advertise 100 calories per bar:
  What's up with that?  I feel like maybe you just got lazy with the individual wrapper packaging and kept the same slogan for the peanut butter as you do for all your other flavours.  No kudos for you on this one kudos for misrepresentation.

Naturally you'll all be informed when I hear back from Mars with their action plan for the obviously-needed recall on this product.  They'll either have to change the formula to ensure that the bars meet the 100 calorie proclamation, or change the wrappers on all the bars.  Of course they won't be able to resell the recalled bars - that would be unhygienic.  They should feed them to the homeless.  They need the extra calories anyways.

In completely unrelated news, remember when you were a kid (or maybe even an adolescent for some?), and you had a bedtime accident?  If you were asleep when it happened, weren't you always dreaming that you were peeing when you'd suddenly wake up to this warm, wet sensation?  These dreams have been haunting me for the last week and a half.  Alarmingly, they are these intensely graphic dreams where I make it a point to find a bathroom and then proceed to have the longest, most gratifying pee of my life.  Two nights ago, my dream consisted of quite literally, a bathroom marathon.  It was like a combination of  a layup drill in basketball practice, and what the ladies washroom looks like after a movie has just let out.  There were a large number of ladies all lined up facing a stall in the bathroom, we were all wearing white shirts and gym shorts, and we were hustling into the stall one at a time to relieve ourselves, and then back out to the back of the line we went to do it all over again.  Aside from the disturbing fact that there was no handwashing in my dream (ew!!), it got to the point where in my subconscious state I was all peed out!  By the time my 5th or 6th rotation came around, there were no bodily fluids left to excrete out this particular area of my body and I was actually trying to force out some urine.  I always wake up from these dreams thinking "oh dear god, no!", and am for once in my life relieved to wake up cold, thanks to my blanket-hog husband and my badass bladder control.  According to the Dream Dictionary:

"To dream that you are urinating, symbolizes a cleansing and a release of negative or repressed emotions.  Depending on your dream context, urination is symbolic of having or lacking basic control of your life.  You are literally "pissed off" and not expressing yourself in a positive or constructive manner."  (NOTE:  This totally makes sense when one factors in the things going on in my life right now - but we'll save those details for another entry)

This is such simple math:

Catalyst for pissing Loony off  +  No outlet for expressing herself (ie: letters to companies who commit faux pas)  =  Loony possibly wetting her bed, grossing out her husband and getting divorced

Catalyst for pissing Loony off  + Loony expressing her angst through unrelated yet eloquently phrased letters to companies who deserve a little kick in the butt for maleficence  =  A dry bed for Loony (and Ryan!), a long and happy marriage and lots of babies

So essentially, these letters that I write to companies like Mars, Crest, Mazda, Ministry's, etc?  They're potentially saving my marriage.