Sunday, January 30, 2011

I was just emotionally raped over the internet.

I was going to write about my theory that my left boob is a periscope for my bladder, but I'm going to have to save that for another time, since I was totally just emotionally raped over the internet.  To add insult to injury, it was during a game of euchre on the yahoo games website.

I was playing my little online game while simultaneously trying to defend myself against Toby who was mauling me with his chew toy.  For those of you who are familiar with the game of Euchre, my partner had called trump (clubs), but because of my canine distraction I missed an opportunity early in the hand to lead with trump.  The following conversation ensued in the chat area beneath the playing area:  (NOTE: My partner's name was 'goddess_yahell", and the other hellion at the table was our opponent "haveapepsionme".)

goodess_yahell:  lead with trump!  We could've had two points instead of one!
goodess_yahell:  what the hell is wrong with you?!
me:  seriously?  are you being serious right now?  It's just a game.
goodess_yahell: well, some people play to win. 
haveapepsionme:  report her!  I just did.
haveapepsionme:  it's in the rules that you're supposed to play your best game.  She isn't.
me:  uhh, it was an honest mistake.
goodess_yahell:  Bullshit,  You're throwing points and trying to lose the game. (NOTE:  I'm a pretty competitive person, so this is sooooo not something that I would ever do.)
goodess_yahell:  I just reported you.
me:  are you two for real?  You're insane!
haveapepsionme:  I just reported her again for name calling.
goddess_yahell:  me too.  I'm taking a print screen.
haveapepsionme: send it to Bob at the e-mail address I'm sending you.
haveapepsionme: he's the one who handles abuse.
**During this time my partner had started throwing the game intentionally by calling suits that she had none of, so that the other team would win.
me:  What happened to playing your best game?  You just threw the last two hands!
goodness_yahell:  leave the table.  NOW. (she had the power to kick me out of the table if she really wanted to)
me: I'll be happy to after this game. 
haveapepsionme: I've got her ip address!  I'm going to send it in so that they won't allow her to play under any other names either.
Other guy at the table:  PLAY!!
haveapepsionme:  I'm not playing until she leaves the table.
me:  well I'm not leaving.  If you stop playing the game will time you out and it will forfeit you.  Your call.
haveapepsionme:  You are such a bitch! 
haveapepsionme:  look at her rating  (NOTE:  I had a higher rating than two of the four people at the table)
haveapepsionme:  she's a loser! 
goddess_yahell:  by the time I'm done telling everyone about her, she's going to be running from the tables and will never want to play again!

By this point, my prediction came true.  The "haveapepsionme" guy stopped playing long enough that the game assumed he forfeit and it called the game quits.  He left the game table pretty quick, and I was soon to follow.  I notice in the general game area, my former partner, goddess_yahell started posting comments about me and how abusive I am, and that the people at the table couldn't stand to play with me anymore.

My original intent for tonight's blog was actually funny (albeit true) - and there isn't anything actually funny about this, only the knowledge that there are people out there so crazy they will pair up and attack you over a game in which they don't even get to win any money.  I'm pretty sure if money were involved, they'd have sent someone my way to break my thumbs...and maybe my knees.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Being Haunted By A Ghost Who Wants To Steal My Identity

Remember when I said that I was disappointed our house wasn't haunted because I wanted to be the fatter, less fashionable version of Jennifer Love Hewitt?   I think I may have misjudged that one....

video

Toby was viciously barking at this one area of our ceiling all night.  Upon closer inspection there was nothing on the ceiling or the wall (aside from the claw marks he just left behind.  Awesome.)...so how is one not to deduce that what he was seeing was a ghost?  I strongly suspect that I have a ghost attached to me - not solely haunting the house, but haunting yours truly.  Let's discuss further evidentiary support for this theory, shall we?

According to newageinfo.com, the following are the top 7 signs that you have a ghost:
1.  Unexplained noises.  I often ask Ryan if the dog just farted because I hear these little noises that sound quite airy.  If it's not non-existent farts I hear, it's running water.  Many a time have I been laying in bed trying to get to sleep only to have to get up and go into the kitchen to ensure the faucet's not on.  It never is.  Also, on a regular basis I hear these war-cries from the basement.  This one, as it turns out, is the cat downstairs talking to herself.  I don't think that last one counts.

2.  Objects moving of their own accord.  Overall I have what can best be described as a shitty memory.  Ryan can attest to the fact that on many occasions I have completely forgotten about entire conversations we've supposedly had, and yet if he were to ask me where something is in the house, my pictographic memory (the only kind of memory I have left) kicks in and I can tell him down to the smallest detail where the item is located.  "What's that dear?  You're looking for that random spice we use once a year?  That would be in the upper cupboard to the left of the range, second shelf, in the blue basket, behind the paprika, wedged in amongst the Club House seasoning packets - 3rd one in from the left between the greek dressing mix and the shepherd's pie mix that we'll never eat because mixing potatoes, corn and beef is just wrong."
However, there have been many a time where something important goes missing.  Important things are typically kept in one of three areas in my house.  A prime example is my birth certificate.  I have checked all the "important" areas time and again, and even resorted to the "meh, we should probably keep this, but I'm not overly concerned about it" spots - all to no avail.     This baffles me.  The ghost theory though would explain a lot.  I suspect the ghost doesn't realize it's a ghost and is pretty pissed that she can't find any of her own ID, so she's trying to steal mine.  That thieving bitch.

3.  Smell unusual or unexplained fragrances.  Going back to the fart conversation from point one - more often than asking about farts because of my ability to hear, I'm asking on a daily basis if someone in the area has farted because of my sense of smell (and no, it's not because of my ability to fart, smartass).  Also, I think my coworkers can attest to the fact that I'm constantly smelling things that no one else can smell.  Today alone I caught a strong whiff of burnt toast (no, it was not pre-seizure), followed a couple hours later by the smell of honey-glazed ham.  Last month I was convinced our office smelled of rotting.  Rotting what? I couldn't say, but I believe I once compared it to the scent of something decaying in the walls.

4.  Do animals behave strangely in a certain area of your home?  See video above.  In fact, he continues to bark, growl and scale the walls in that same area.

5.  Cold Pockets.  When I'm at home I'm often quite cold despite the kick-ass insulation and the 74 degree Fahrenheit (23 degree Celsius) temperature.  I think the ghost gets bored of me though because when she follows me to work I'm at a comfortable temperature for most of the day.  I think she visits my coworkers because they're often freezing in the office even though they're only 10 feet away from me.

6.  Feeling like you're not alone, when you are alone.  I often have this sensation - this feeling of being watched.  At first I believed this feeling to be caused by nosy, perverted neighbours looking in our windows to check out the goods - but once again, the ghost theory seems to make so much more sense!

7.  Light in areas unoccupied by living beings.  Observe.

Oh, that would be the ghost that's trying to steal my identity.
 I think I've proved my point.


At this point in the program ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to point out that in my last entry I indicated that the following posts were going to be successive parts of the "Satirical Self-Analysis" in which I point out some of my character flaws and put a spin on them so I don't seem certifiable special quite so defective.  Some of you may consider a post in which I argue that I'm being haunted by a ghost with the travel bug a post highlighting a character defect, but for those of you that don't, please find comfort in the fact that this entry proves I can't keep a promise (otherwise I would've would've written something self-criticizing), and thus, I can't be trusted.  That, my friends, is a character defect. 
(Yes, I am aware that the described character defect I provided as an example contradicts the character defect argument.  I'm just that deep.  Also?  I feel as though "I'm Just That Deep" would be an intriguing title for an adult-movie.  I'm just saying...)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Satirical Self-Analysis - Part I

I've been somewhat missing in action the past month or so due to an extended bout of self-reflection (and thus self-pitying, self-loathing, etc etc), prompted by external events beyond my control.  My way of coping with this?  Sending it out to the blogosphere with a bit of a satirical twist to try and lighten my solemn mood.  What better (and more morbid) way to kick off the new year could there be?

Before I get into all that though, I feel the need to provide my insight on the concept of the new years resolution.  (hey, it's my blog - if you didn't want to read about my insights to this and that, you wouldn't be here, right?)
In my previous blog I wrote to this effect back in 2006, but in re-reading the material I think I summed it up pretty nicely for myself, so I'm just going to re-post my 2006 thoughts here for your enlightenment.

Essentially what I want to say is that new years eve?  Is bullshit.  I'm not saying this from a bitter standpoint...I'm too young to be tainted by news years eves past where I would stand alone at the stroke of midnight while couples around me started making out as if under some twisted, soft-core-porn-ish spell. So why is new years eve bullshit?
1. The pressure everyone is put under to have something extraordinary planned for their evening. I'm not against going out and having fun with friends or strangers anytime, but it seems like on new years eve everyone must become socialites for the evening until soon after the ball drops and everyone turns back into their tired selves. Bars that never have a cover charge are suddenly forcing you to pay $20 in advance to guarantee yourself a spot under their roof for the night, the malls are crazed with young women trying to find a whorish outfit that will help them find their prince charming to slobber all over at midnight and the liquor stores are packed with people stocking up on drinks guaranteed to make them do something completely embarrassing to ring in the new year. Remember when you were a little kid and the great thing about new years was the fact that it was the one night out of the year that you were guaranteed the right to stay up until midnight...an hour only heard of, but never seen? Of course you would either pass out by 10 or be so hopped up on sugar that you would be a perfect reminder to your young teenage babysitter why abstinence is the best policy.
2. Those who fool themselves into making a new years resolution with the belief that they will actually keep it. Why they think that by changing the number from 2010 to 2011 they will stop eating that entire pizza, start a strict exercise regimen, or curb their pack-a-day habit I'll never know. I'm convinced that the whole "resolutions" business was created by corporate America (much like Valentine's Day) as a way to turn a profit. Sales of diet pills, diet books, exercise equipment and videos, the nicorette patch, the nicorette gum etc soar for the first few weeks and as people start falling off (or getting back on) the wagon, they crash hard and that's when sales of cigarettes, Ben & Jerry's and just about any fast food option begin their incline. It's not until about April that things even out and life is as it once was. Really though, I'm quite convinced that you're destined to fail if you resolve to start your diet, or quit your smoking or whatever else it is that you want to start or stop doing come January 1st of any year. Chances are, whatever behaviour you've been engaging in (or neglecting as the case may be) is not new and you've known for quite sometime that you need to change your ways. If this is the case (which it most likely is), if you were really set on making the change you would've done it a lot sooner and not waited until the start of a new calendar year.  After all, January first is truly no different than any other day of the year.

As it pertains to the self-analysis portion of today's e-mail, we'll start off light and gradually build over the Satirical Self-Analysis Series - Parts 2 through whatever number I finish off with.  As with any other time I've delved into the practice of reflecting on myself, my behaviours, etc etc I start off by looking at the superficial things.  This often means I go into a cleaning or organization frenzy because it offers a welcome mental and physical distraction before I reach the darker depths of my psyche.  This time, it started at work.  The following e-mail to three lovely friends at work should explain quite nicely what I'm trying (and so easily failing) to convey here:

I find myself in a tough situation this morning.  Over the last few months in an effort to make more positive choices for myself, I made a significant effort to bring my lunch, and to make my own tea instead of stopping by Timmies.  The problem is that while I may be disciplined enough to bring these things to work, I'm not always disciplined enough to eat/drink what I bring, and will often choose to opt out for something else (especially if they're serving fish and chips in the caf).  It starts getting messy when I try convincing myself "hmm, I'll just eat that tomorrow"....then tomorrow turns into a few days, and then a few days turns into a week, and so on and so on.  Many good pieces of tupperware and travel mugs have been sacrificed in this ongoing problem of mine, and yet the problem continues.  It's a bit of an addiction.
I spent yesterday cleaning my desk and re-organizing my filing, but I can not bring myself to look after a few food-related discretions that haunt my work space.  This is where you come in.  I need your help in ridding the office of the ghosts of abandoned-foods past.  I propose we have a sort of ceremonial service in the ladies bathroom of simultaneous dumping and flushing of the foods and substances that were once liquids.
I'd love to be able to just do this on my own, but I know that's not the reality of the situation.  I need help.  Your help.  Before you respond by telling me to just dump my crap on my own and the sicker it makes me feel the less likely I'll be to do it again, I assure you, you're wrong.  Ryan has attempted this tough-love approach with me many a times, and this e-mail should be solid evidence that it doesn't work.
I have made small progress in changing my ways - but it will take time.  I've completed the first step  - admitting I have a problem.  Steps 2 and 3 are kind of a moot point for me, and I take inventory of my faults all the time, so step 4 is done on a regular basis (oh, and look at that - number 10 is the same idea!  Multi-tasker extraordinaire!).  I'd say this e-mail covers me for step 5, and I think we can totally count a bathroom ceremony as step 6 - even though you guys aren't god, but again, referring back to my comments about 2 and 3, that's quite alright with me - you fine ladies will do.

Following this e-mail there was a little back and forth which led to two of the ladies confessing their some of their "sins" - which in turn only highlighted more of mine.  One of the three proved herself to be a little OCD and thus lacking such faults, and was therefore promptly chastised by yours truly for her domestic purity.  Ultimately, the ladies pulled through.  At 2pm on the dot, the ladies showed up to my department complete with face masks to protect them from the smell and the potential for toxic fumes which may or may not emanate from the food containers upon opening.  Together, in solidarity, we marched to the nearest bathroom for the "Ceremonial Dump" (as we so lovingly called it), generating a little caution for the people in the board room who watched us walk by as if we were handling anthrax.
Post-dumping, the three ladies promptly removed themselves from the vicinity (I considered this to be self-preservation on their part), while I stayed behind to wash the containers and try and rid them of their putrid smells.  When I got back to my desk, I was informed by a coworker that someone had posted a sign on the bathroom door that read "Loony did it" (referring to the lingering odour that plagued the bathroom for hours after).  I frantically started explaining to people that the vile bathroom scent was generated by my problems with lunch disposal, and not a different kind of dumping.
To commemorate the event as well as the holidays, I wrote a song about the dumping, which should be sung to the tune of the "12 Days of Christmas".
NOTE:  The day after the dumping, I did sing this to the ladies during morning break and presented them with gifts of thanks.  I'm not an ingrate.
*Ah-hem*...


On the first purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me
A starbucks mug of coffee!

On the second purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
A container that held cheese, 
and a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the third purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
Tupperware for meat,
A container that held cheese,
and a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the Fourth purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
A bowl that once held soup,
Tupperware for meat,
A container that held cheese,
And a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the Fifth purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
Twooo Month Old Broccoliiiiii!
A bowl that once held soup,
Tupperware for meat,
A Container that held cheese,
And a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the Sixth purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
Moldy peppermint tea,
Twooo Month Old Broccoliiiii!
A bowl that once held soup, 
Tupperware for meat,
A container that held cheese,
And a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the Seventh purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
Stir-fry that went furry,
Moldy Peppermint Tea,
Twooo Month Old Broccoliiii!
A bowl that once held soup,
Tupperware for meat,
A container that held cheese,
And a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the Eighth purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
4 week old jelly,
Stir-fry that went furry,
Moldy peppermint tea,
Twooo Month Old Broccoliiii!
A bowl that once held soup,
Tupperware for meat,
A container that held cheese,
And a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the Ninth purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
Three month old  orange,
Four week old jelly,
Stir-fry that went furry,
Moldy peppermint tea,
Twooo Month Old Broccoliiii!
A bowl that once held soup,
Tupperware for meat,
A container that held cheese,
And a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the Tenth purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
Ten week old green tea,
Three month old orange,
Four week old jelly,
Stir-fry that went furry,
Moldy peppermint tea,
Twooo month old Broccoliiii!
A bowl that once held soup,
Tupperware for meat,
A container that held cheese,
And a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the Eleventh purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
Liquid watermelon,
Ten week old green tea,
Three month old orange,
Four week old jelly,
Stir-fry that went furry,
Moldy peppermint tea,
Twooo month old broccoliii!!
A bowl that once held soup,
Tupperware for meat,
A container that held cheese,
And a Starbucks mug of coffee!

On the TWELFTH purge of Christmas, Loony gave to me,
Chunkified hot chocolate,
Liquid watermelon,
Ten week old green tea,
Three month old orange,
Four week old jelly,
Stir-fry that went furry,
Moldy peppermint tea,
Twoooo month old broccoliii!!
A bowl that once held soup,
Tupperware for meat,
A container that held cheese,
And a Starbucks mug of coffee!