Friday, December 31, 2010

A Love Story Between Animal and Machine

In the late June 2008, my darling husband and I decided we wanted to spend our anniversary amongst the animals.  For most couples, this would involve renting a cottage for a romantic weekend out in a secluded area.  For us, it meant a trip to African Lion Safari (ALS) in an 18 year old car without air conditioning.  ALS is one of those zoos that you get to drive your car through, should you choose to do so.  Since my car was painfully old I wasn't concerned about driving it through the zoo, despite the tales of caution from people who had their cars ripped apart by monkeys and baboons.  We discovered that the monkeys and baboons were not the animals to be feared since they seemed to enjoy being perched on a higher vehicle - and fortunately for us we were surrounded by vans.
I knew we wouldn't get off scott-free after driving through a 'safari' of "wild" animals, which included lions, tigers, rhino's, giraffe's and some horny zebras.  We did our best to avoid an unintentional invitation to the wild creatures - we didn't keep any food in the car, and kept the windows rolled up even though  it was a sweltering 32 degrees celsius (90 degrees ferenheit) not including humidity.
It was around the time that the swamp-ass really started to kick in that it happened.   It was like a scene out of some awkward comedy that abuses the laugh-track.  Imagine our car as some beautiful woman at a bar...
It all started with:
A Look From Across The Room...(note: all quotations should be read with Barry White's voice in mind)
"You're funny - I like that in a woman.  You must be a Cancer..." Wait a minute - who is that dashing creature ahead of me?
The Approach...
Just remember man, be cool - be confident.  You can get this one.
 Making Contact...
"Well hello there..."
 After some time spent laying the groundwork,
Getting Physical....
"Oh yeah baby - Daddy knows what you like."
 Then finally,
The Morning After...
"Oh baby - that was so good.  I think I love you.  What's that?  You've got an early meeting tomorrow?  Oh.  Uh, that's cool baby...that's cool.  Call me sometime."
 He never got the phone call.  That not-so-little fucker scratched the shit out of the hood of my car with his prickly body just writhing all over it like a pig in its own shit.  Not to mention the fact that he kept throwing his gloriously long eye-lashes in my face.  Jerk.  It was a sweet love story for the car and the ostrich - but like all good things, it came to an end - much like 2010.   Here's hoping if you haven't yet found your ostrich, you will in the new year - if your ostrich is a prick, may the new year give you the strength drop him like a bad habit (you know who you are...).  Happy New Year everyone!!


Monday, December 13, 2010

My Toby, My Hero

Last week he was saving us from the zombies.  This week he's saving us from the evil Christmas decorations. 
My hero.

NOTE:  The window treatment is skewed because the cat previously tried getting in on the action.  Also?  This is Toby after about 10-15 minutes of barking.  When he first noticed the deco's his hackles went up and I'm sure everyone in a two block radius heard his vicious bark.  Stay tuned for Christmas 2011 when we introduce the animals to a real life fake Christmas tree!                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

A few consecutive nights of poor sleep prompted the following e-mail exchange between myself and Jenny Lawson - The Bloggess.  I felt it important to share so you too can prepare appropriately.

Hi Jenny!
This morning I inadvertently did a "zombie" walk* as I approached my 9 month old German Shepherd puppy (who's a GIANT, I might add).  Needless to say, it royally freaked him out and his response sparked a discussion between my husband and I about the best way to prepare him for the impending Zombie Apocalypse.  I know you no longer have the "Ask The Bloggess" site, but I knew we needed to consult an expert and so I'm in desperate need of your advice.  Do we train him to decapitate zombie's by biting their heads off, or will this put him at risk of becoming a zombie dog?  Should we teach him to run away?  Are there other things we could be teaching him to ensure the survival of the family when the zombies inevitably come to try and eat our brains?
*NOTE:  I am not a zombie.  The zombie walk in question was merely a result of my sleep deprivation and a sore arch in my left foot.
Jenny's response:

You need to teach him to use a samurai sword.  This is the only viable

You see why we needed to consult her.  Needless to say, the Shepherd Samurai Training had to start immediately if we were to be adequately prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse...

Toby losing his Samurai virginity - wielding the sword with pride and enthusiasm.  I'm pretty sure the sword also gives him the power to shoot lasers from his eyes.  Our chances of survival are looking good, indeed.   

But after some time spent practicing his new Samurai skills...

The Samurai life appears to be emotionally and physically draining.  My confidence in our survival is lacking a little now.  

Also?  The cat is none too impressed with the new plan.  Trying to include her in the training was unsuccessful and a little dangerous.  Lesson learned.