Friday, December 31, 2010

A Love Story Between Animal and Machine

In the late June 2008, my darling husband and I decided we wanted to spend our anniversary amongst the animals.  For most couples, this would involve renting a cottage for a romantic weekend out in a secluded area.  For us, it meant a trip to African Lion Safari (ALS) in an 18 year old car without air conditioning.  ALS is one of those zoos that you get to drive your car through, should you choose to do so.  Since my car was painfully old I wasn't concerned about driving it through the zoo, despite the tales of caution from people who had their cars ripped apart by monkeys and baboons.  We discovered that the monkeys and baboons were not the animals to be feared since they seemed to enjoy being perched on a higher vehicle - and fortunately for us we were surrounded by vans.
I knew we wouldn't get off scott-free after driving through a 'safari' of "wild" animals, which included lions, tigers, rhino's, giraffe's and some horny zebras.  We did our best to avoid an unintentional invitation to the wild creatures - we didn't keep any food in the car, and kept the windows rolled up even though  it was a sweltering 32 degrees celsius (90 degrees ferenheit) not including humidity.
It was around the time that the swamp-ass really started to kick in that it happened.   It was like a scene out of some awkward comedy that abuses the laugh-track.  Imagine our car as some beautiful woman at a bar...
It all started with:
A Look From Across The Room...(note: all quotations should be read with Barry White's voice in mind)
"You're funny - I like that in a woman.  You must be a Cancer..." Wait a minute - who is that dashing creature ahead of me?
The Approach...
Just remember man, be cool - be confident.  You can get this one.
 Making Contact...
"Well hello there..."
 After some time spent laying the groundwork,
Getting Physical....
"Oh yeah baby - Daddy knows what you like."
 Then finally,
The Morning After...
"Oh baby - that was so good.  I think I love you.  What's that?  You've got an early meeting tomorrow?  Oh.  Uh, that's cool baby...that's cool.  Call me sometime."
 He never got the phone call.  That not-so-little fucker scratched the shit out of the hood of my car with his prickly body just writhing all over it like a pig in its own shit.  Not to mention the fact that he kept throwing his gloriously long eye-lashes in my face.  Jerk.  It was a sweet love story for the car and the ostrich - but like all good things, it came to an end - much like 2010.   Here's hoping if you haven't yet found your ostrich, you will in the new year - if your ostrich is a prick, may the new year give you the strength drop him like a bad habit (you know who you are...).  Happy New Year everyone!!


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