Tuesday, February 16, 2010

A Disturbing State of Affairs

Having only started my job a month ago, I've been intentionally a little 'restrained' so as not to scare my coworkers with my perverse unique personality. Basically, my plan was to wait until after my probation period was up so that they would be stuck with me before knowing what they got themselves into. My fears were put at ease however when my coworkers showed me this on Friday morning:

The health unit has taken a more unique approach to sex education, using such characters as (from right to left):

Captain Condom - a scientist devoted to creating the perfect condom, but was caught in a horrible lab explosion and is now spending his days as half man, half condom. His special power? Being able to stretch to any size - and when used correctly is 98% effective.

Power Pap - Our first heroine who had a close call with an STI and now advocates pap smears for one and all! Her x-ray vision allows her to spot your crabs and gonorrhea from a mile away!

Willy the Kid - who reminds us that size doesn't matter as long as you are have rock hard strength.

Wonder Vag - who promotes abstinence and can readily spot the skeevy horndogs with her lie-detecting abilities.

Together they combat: The Sperminator

Seriously, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. You can fight penis-hands Sperminator here, but lord help you if you answer incorrectly as you'll get hit in the face with a wad of STI-loaded sperm.

And for your viewing pleasure: (not appropriate for viewing on your work computer...under most circumstances)


My in-laws always joke that my sister-in-law is really the product of an afternoon with her mom and the milkman. That joke will forever make me think of this video - at which point I will realize I don't need to know that much about my mother-in-law.

And finally, because you never know....

On a regular basis I'd say I'm pretty oblivious to things in my environment unless I am intentionally focused on them. Despite what you may or may not think, I chalk it up to the fact that I've got too much going on mentally to allow myself to be sidetracked with trivial things that might get picked up in my peripheral vision. Occassionally however, something will break through my concentration barrier. Sometimes these things are real, and sometimes they are not. For example, this is real:

But instead of seeing it for what it was, I saw it as what I wanted it to be, which was this:

Everyday for the past month I have been driving past this sign fantasizing about what this Crap Mask could possibly look like. Let's note shall we, that not once did I question whether or not a "Crap Mask" was a real thing or question what it would be used for (by sane individuals), but I suspect it would be something like this:

Remember in school when you learned that in the days of war when chemical bombs would be utilized, soldiers were encouraged to pee on a rag and put it up to their face to protect themselves from gas? This is the next level.

No word of a lie, this was what I envisioned every day, until the one time I was driving past this sign in the car with Ryan. When I excitedly pointed out this sign I had told him so much about, my crap-mask dreams were shattered when I realized it wasn't referring to poop at all. I suppose it would be hard to keep the poop in a cohesive coil against your face for it to be effective as a mask. *Sigh* I guess the urine will have to do. Or, you know...maybe a gas mask that doesn't involve use of excretory waste?

Ultimately it was my decision to join the gym, and when Ryan and I had a conversation one day about his role in my fitness endeavours he was ready to take on the task. Ryan's job is to encourage me to continue actually going to the gym. I don't think he knew what he was up against.

My Top 25 Reasons for NOT Going to the Gym (note, some are reasonable, and the rest? Well...)

1. It's too hot.
2. It's too cold.
3. It's the perfect temperature - why waste my time in the gym when I could be* outdoors?
(* could be, but probably won't be)
4. I just washed my hair - I don't want to get it sweaty.
5. I didn't drink enough water today OR I drank too much water today and thus will have to leave my machine every 10 minutes to pee.
6. I ate really well today and thus don't feel the need to work out.
7. I ate like crap today, and thus will feel nautious if I exert myself too hard.
8. There's too many people at the gym.
9. There's not enough people at the gym, and thus people are likely to watch me more since their alternatives for people-watching are limited.
10. I left early because the guy beside me smelled like B.O. I mean really bad.
11. I had chili for lunch today and I might smell really bad.
12. I went to the gym yesterday, and thus don't need to go today.
13. I went to the gym yesterday, and thus I can't move today.
14. It's Saturday.
15. It's Sunday.
16. It's a holiday.
17. Well, I want to do a spin class but it doesn't start until 5:30 and I'm not going to work out for an hour before spin class and then do the class, but once I come home I'm not going to head back out to spin class later.
18. I feel too fat for the gym today.
19. I forgot socks, shoes, the "right" bra, shirt, pants, deodorant, ipod, headphones, entire gym bag, sweat towel, water bottle, etc
20. I have no way to put my hair up.
21. I'm having too good a hair day today to ruin it at the gym.
22. I'm cramping.
23. I've got my period.
24. I just finished my period.
25. I just don't feel like going, and I don't care if you're disappointed. (often my mindset when reason #23 is a factor.)

All I can say is I feel sorry for the poor guy having to go up against that, because really? You just can't win. I do love him for trying though.


Anonymous said...

Well now I know why when we were kids why we called you Loonie L****. You are so absolutely brilliant why didn't I think of that.... Luv ya Chels

Anonymous said...

Being the co-worker of note, you can always count on me / us to keep it interesting for you here at work. I suspect you will be fitting in just fine and often wondering WTF ? these people are crazy too.
:) C.