Sunday, February 13, 2011

How I Discovered My Boob Is A Periscope For My Bladder

For most married couples, the honeymoon is a wonderful time in which you celebrate the life-long commitment you've just made to one another.  Having taken our honeymoon in Rome during the hottest time of the year, our honeymoon was a true learning experience for us Ryan .  It didn't take long for him to piece together that heat + cobblestone + hunger = a dramatic and savage version of the women he thought he married. What he also didn't know was that when none of the above elements were satisfied within a reasonable time frame, I turned into a brilliantly creative soul who could formulate theories on a scale comparable to Einstein himself.

My most notable postulate while on our honeymoon came to me one night as we were returning to our hotel room after a day of touring the city (please refer to the equation noted above for an accurate idea as to what this would look like).
We came to the start of a street which ended right outside our hotel - a direct and straight path to our hotel's doorstep.  We had been out and about for some time, and throughout the day I had made the decision to subject myself to the "self-cleaning" bathrooms in the metro's grungy underground.  The bathrooms that are perpetually wet and generate a need to simultaneously hover over the toilet seat, hold your pants up so they don't make contact with the diluted pee-puddle at your feet, while also balancing your purse.  Imagine then performing the above mentioned tasks while wiping yourself.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I really had to go.

It was only half an hour after using this pee-trap that we came to the street leading right to our hotel.  There it was, 500 meters into the horizon.  I knew I was looking forward to a nice cold shower before we trekked back out in search of dinner.  What I wasn't expecting however was the sudden burning desire to use the toilet.  How could this be, I wondered. 

It was only half an hour before that I had attained sweet (albeit acrobatic) relief in the bathroom after getting off the subway.  In my hot and hungry haze, it came to me.  Like my life flashing before my eyes, I saw images of all the times I arrived home, regardless of where I had been or how long I had been gone.  Whenever I 'm within sight of the place I consider 'home' I  feel a sudden and urgent need to pee so strong I have to gallop to the bathroom like a lame horse with my knees crossed. 

When I stated this observation to my new and slightly concerned* husband (*see image above), he claimed it was the result of temperature fluctuation between the extreme heat outside and the air-conditioned refrigerator we called our hotel room.   Since my urgent-urination was not a concern when going into stores or to other people's homes, I blew his theory out of the water.  The answer was obvious -  my left boob is a periscope for my bladder. 

If you can believe it, Ryan wasn't eager to believe this theory.  It's taken a little convincing, and to be honest, I think he's just humoring me with the smile-and-nod response I seem to get whenever I mention the boobiscope.  How else is one to explain that her bladder activates only when returning to home (or the temporary home as it may be), but not upon the arrival to any other building which offers the same general environment that could trigger the urinary response?

The boobiscope explains more than just my urinary habits.  The first bend of the scoping mechanism explains the protrusion below our lower back - also known as our butt.  As one approaches the top of the scope we see the need for the boob since the heart, the lungs, etc need to fit within the chest cavity as well - so the scope has to extend out past the natural line of our body, and hence the development of the boob.  My theory is, the bigger the boobs and the more junk in the trunk, the more sensitive your bladder is when you return home because your scope is larger and therefore more powerful.  Also?  The boobiscope is made of materials not yet identifiable by man or science which would explain how it has xray vision and can see through layers of clothes (to be able recognize the approach home), but does not come out clearly in MRI's or anything of the sort.  Flawless explanation.

At this point you're probably wondering "why the left boob specifically?".  My answer for you is simple:  the right boob is the audio device.  But that's another story. 

1 comment:

Megan said...

I TOTALLY get your theory and feel the same way.....and have had it happen many many times!