Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Being Haunted By A Ghost Who Wants To Steal My Identity

Remember when I said that I was disappointed our house wasn't haunted because I wanted to be the fatter, less fashionable version of Jennifer Love Hewitt?   I think I may have misjudged that one....

Toby was viciously barking at this one area of our ceiling all night.  Upon closer inspection there was nothing on the ceiling or the wall (aside from the claw marks he just left behind.  Awesome.)...so how is one not to deduce that what he was seeing was a ghost?  I strongly suspect that I have a ghost attached to me - not solely haunting the house, but haunting yours truly.  Let's discuss further evidentiary support for this theory, shall we?

According to newageinfo.com, the following are the top 7 signs that you have a ghost:
1.  Unexplained noises.  I often ask Ryan if the dog just farted because I hear these little noises that sound quite airy.  If it's not non-existent farts I hear, it's running water.  Many a time have I been laying in bed trying to get to sleep only to have to get up and go into the kitchen to ensure the faucet's not on.  It never is.  Also, on a regular basis I hear these war-cries from the basement.  This one, as it turns out, is the cat downstairs talking to herself.  I don't think that last one counts.

2.  Objects moving of their own accord.  Overall I have what can best be described as a shitty memory.  Ryan can attest to the fact that on many occasions I have completely forgotten about entire conversations we've supposedly had, and yet if he were to ask me where something is in the house, my pictographic memory (the only kind of memory I have left) kicks in and I can tell him down to the smallest detail where the item is located.  "What's that dear?  You're looking for that random spice we use once a year?  That would be in the upper cupboard to the left of the range, second shelf, in the blue basket, behind the paprika, wedged in amongst the Club House seasoning packets - 3rd one in from the left between the greek dressing mix and the shepherd's pie mix that we'll never eat because mixing potatoes, corn and beef is just wrong."
However, there have been many a time where something important goes missing.  Important things are typically kept in one of three areas in my house.  A prime example is my birth certificate.  I have checked all the "important" areas time and again, and even resorted to the "meh, we should probably keep this, but I'm not overly concerned about it" spots - all to no avail.     This baffles me.  The ghost theory though would explain a lot.  I suspect the ghost doesn't realize it's a ghost and is pretty pissed that she can't find any of her own ID, so she's trying to steal mine.  That thieving bitch.

3.  Smell unusual or unexplained fragrances.  Going back to the fart conversation from point one - more often than asking about farts because of my ability to hear, I'm asking on a daily basis if someone in the area has farted because of my sense of smell (and no, it's not because of my ability to fart, smartass).  Also, I think my coworkers can attest to the fact that I'm constantly smelling things that no one else can smell.  Today alone I caught a strong whiff of burnt toast (no, it was not pre-seizure), followed a couple hours later by the smell of honey-glazed ham.  Last month I was convinced our office smelled of rotting.  Rotting what? I couldn't say, but I believe I once compared it to the scent of something decaying in the walls.

4.  Do animals behave strangely in a certain area of your home?  See video above.  In fact, he continues to bark, growl and scale the walls in that same area.

5.  Cold Pockets.  When I'm at home I'm often quite cold despite the kick-ass insulation and the 74 degree Fahrenheit (23 degree Celsius) temperature.  I think the ghost gets bored of me though because when she follows me to work I'm at a comfortable temperature for most of the day.  I think she visits my coworkers because they're often freezing in the office even though they're only 10 feet away from me.

6.  Feeling like you're not alone, when you are alone.  I often have this sensation - this feeling of being watched.  At first I believed this feeling to be caused by nosy, perverted neighbours looking in our windows to check out the goods - but once again, the ghost theory seems to make so much more sense!

7.  Light in areas unoccupied by living beings.  Observe.

Oh, that would be the ghost that's trying to steal my identity.
 I think I've proved my point.

At this point in the program ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to point out that in my last entry I indicated that the following posts were going to be successive parts of the "Satirical Self-Analysis" in which I point out some of my character flaws and put a spin on them so I don't seem certifiable special quite so defective.  Some of you may consider a post in which I argue that I'm being haunted by a ghost with the travel bug a post highlighting a character defect, but for those of you that don't, please find comfort in the fact that this entry proves I can't keep a promise (otherwise I would've would've written something self-criticizing), and thus, I can't be trusted.  That, my friends, is a character defect. 
(Yes, I am aware that the described character defect I provided as an example contradicts the character defect argument.  I'm just that deep.  Also?  I feel as though "I'm Just That Deep" would be an intriguing title for an adult-movie.  I'm just saying...)


Carole Landry said...

Oh my Loonie, I love your blogs! :)

Anonymous said...

Oh I think there is a definite haunting happening, that freaks me out when dogs bark at nothing.

Anonymous said...

you are so special girlie ! I think Toby may be on to something I'll check for updates / sightings