Sunday, April 18, 2010

WIHBH: Why I Haven't Been Here

No, don't worry - I wasn't killed by an elevator. Although oddly enough, on a regular basis as I approach the elevators in my building one just opens up for me, completely unprompted. When I'd tell Ryan about this, I think that he just employed the "nod and smile" technique in an effort to shut me up, but today he witnessed it actually happen not once, but twice. He seems to continue being alarmed when I talk about how I think the elevators are plotting to lull me into a false sense of security so that I'll start trusting them, and then BAM!! That's when they'll drop me like a prostitute's panties. I think the most alarming part of this for him is my tendency to attach thoughts/feelings to inanimate objects - something I've been doing since child hood when I convinced my best friend one day when she pissed me off that the Gummi Bears were going to come off my wallpaper and attack her if she didn't cut it out.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yes - I disappeared for over a month, and it certainly wasn't due to death. Truth be told, there are two legitimate reasons (and a handful of half-assed & insulting reasons) why I haven't been around. The first is because I can't stop sleeping. Sounds like bullshit, right? But it's not. No joke y'all, I'd come home from work around 4:30 and manage to stay awake for about an hour before I'd fall asleep for an hour/hour and a half, then I'd wake up and it'd be time to make/eat dinner, followed by or in combination with the prime-time show of the evening. By the time this was all done, it'd be approaching 9:30-10pm, at which point I would fall asleep again until 7am the next morning. What can you take from this? Sleeping, eating, and watching tv rank higher on the priority list than entertaining you. I realize the error of my ways now.
"But Loony - there's a one-hour gap between your arrival home from work, and the start of your evening nap. Why couldn't you blog then?"
The answer to this question is one you're not going to like. My limited hours of consciousness have been spent here:

Note the topic highlighted in the top right corner, and my acronym highlighted in the center. Yes, this is where I've been spending my time. Please try to withhold judgment.

So you're probably wondering what this is exactly. Years ago I got sucked into this game called "Acrophobia" - where a topic is chosen and some random letters are put on the screen. Each player must come up with a sentence to suit the letters on-screen - otherwise known as an acronym. When the timer runs out, all player's answers are posted on the screen and each player votes for their favourite. The acronym with the most votes wins. This "Acrophobia" game was cancelled or something years ago, but I have recently discovered this cheaper-looking version called "AcroChallenge". I am confident that after learning that this is what I've been doing with my time, my level of awesomeness weirdness has increased exponentially in your eyes. (In hindsight, using math-related words like 'exponential' isn't exactly helping my cause). So, onto less losery things (I hope)...

Some recent letters written by yours-truly:

Dear Crest,
I love your toothpaste and find my mouth always feels minty and fresh after each use, however, I have a suggestion for your customer service and marketing departments. I would like to advise that on the packaging you include emergency response instructions should a consumer inadvertently get your product in her eye. Some of us seem to enjoy your product so much we get a little over-zealous with the act of brushing and the toothbrush gets away from us and shoots up to the eye like something out of a pornographic film. I have to say my concern intensified as I read on your product label that this toothpaste (which is designed to go IN MY MOUTH) is not meant to be swallowed, so I can only speculate as to the type of damage it could do in the eye. Now, MY initial instinct was to flush it out with water, but only AFTER I completed brushing my teeth. I figured, why flush it out now if it's just going to happen again, right? HOWEVER, if you included some statement regarding this scenario on your packaging, I may have felt the need to flush out with water IMMEDIATELY after, as consumers are often advised on other product labels. You may be thinking to yourself that this was a one-time occurrence, but I assure you, it was not. This has happened to me several times prior, fortunately however they took place late in the toothbrushing process when only a residual amount of toothpaste was present.
Please revise packaging ASAP.

Sincerely Yours,

*Note: Crest hasn't responded yet, but I'm hopeful that they'll send a draft copy of emergency response instructions my way before they send it out to market.)

A week or two ago on the way home from work, I was approaching a stop-sign right by my building. A guy coming from my right was also approaching the stop-sign, however he didn't feel the need to stop. In fact, he understood the stop sign to read "Hit the gas and peel around the corner like a maniac" - and so he did. Thinking to myself "What a douche-canoe", I continued on my way, not expecting to have much more to do with this individual. That was until I saw him turn into my building's drive-way (with no signal!). The driveway from the road to the back parking lot of my building is snake-like - several bends are involved in an up-slope which ends at a blind-corner into the actual parking lot. This guy in his ugly maroon pick-up with the "Back Off" bumper sticker and the skull & crossbone stickers on the back window just ripped through this driveway, wheels squealing at every bend. Having not had a good look at the guy, and judging by his stupid truck, I assumed it was some punk teenager who was trying to show-off. For a mere second I thought that maybe I should give the person the benefit of the doubt and that maybe, just maybe he was heading home so recklessly because there was some emergency or something.
When I got into the parking lot I was partially surprised to see a gino-looking guy in his early 30's wearing his sweatpants like he thinks he's LL Cool J, taking a slow saunter to the door of the building. The point? He was driving like an asshat for nothing. The next day when we arrived to his vehicle, he found the following:

Good Morning Jackass,
You need to slow yourself down when pulling into this parking lot and when driving on the residential streets in this area. No one is impressed by your squealing tires or your douchey bumper stickers, and honestly? You look like an idiot. I'm sure you weren't cool the first time you were 17, why you want to try again and fail so miserably, I'm not too sure. Rest assured however that if I see you driving like that again I won't hesitate to give your plate number and car model to some cop buddies of mine so they can keep an eye out for you.

Sincerely Yours,
Concerned Neighbour

**As an update to this letter, he has no idea who I am or who left the letter, but I'm kinda hoping he never finds out since today I discovered a pair of HANDCUFFS attached to his front dashboard. Since I'm pretty sure he's not a cop, I'm starting to wonder if he's an abductor who handcuffs his victims - and let's face it. A letter like that might make me a target for his vengeful side. So if I disappear again for another month or longer - you'll know where I've gone.

1 comment:

Cindy said...

handcuffs - seriously, girl you never cease to amaze me ... no really you can't possibly