Toto, We're Not In Kansas Anymore

The Setting: Our golf course, last Sunday.
The Players: Myself, Ryan, and my Father-in-Law.

We were making a weak attempt at a round of golf the day after Ryan and I had spent a family-fun day at the zoo. The zoo-day was hot, sunny and also included embarrassing rounds of tether-ball and several games of volley-ball (in which yours-truly was an undefeated volleyball champion. Naturally.). Translation? Exhausting. (*Note: no Tapir's. Too bad.)
So the next morning we're out on the course - it's mostly sunny with a few non-threatening clouds appearing here and there to block the sun. Initially, these were a wonderful reprieve from the UV rays that were just screaming "Skin Cancer for everyone!" as they beat down on us. Around the 8th fairway I hear the guys a couple holes ahead say "I'm getting the hell out of here!". My first assumption was that they saw my exhausted awesome skills and thought "Man, that chick is making me feel bad about my game"- and so they were going to high-tail it out of there to salvage their 'manly dignity'. That was when I realized the sun-overdose from the day before had officially made me delusional and when I checked back into reality I noticed they were looking up. I followed their gaze to find this:


I realize for some people, the funnel cloud is just part in parcel with your everyday storm. These are a considered a rarity 'round these parts, and thus, camera worthy.

Now, the funnel didn't get much bigger than you see in this photo here, and so it certainly didn't make it to the ground. Not so exciting, right? So why post it you ask? I found it interesting that the potential for a tornado above our heads didn't cause any sort of physiological or emotional reaction for me. I didn't feel afraid or panicked, and I didn't envision us being scooped up by a twister and violently thrown down on the spikes of a white picket fence 3km away (honest.). I do however start sweating instantly when I know I have to go down the stairs (since I seem to fall down them. A lot.), I panic when I'm in the elevator and keep a finger hovered over the stop button. I also refuse to stand and strongly discourage Ryan from standing under the fan in the ceiling of the elevator. I've been on that ride "Tower of Terror" - and so I know that the second the elevator starts to plummet, the 'inhabitants' of said elevator are instantly going up due to the absence of gravity. Would you want to be standing under a fan when that happens? If you would have otherwise survived the fall, your head going through a rotating fan would be pretty disappointing. Finally, a new fear that has recently sprouted that I realize seems completely unwarranted is air conditioners. I am horrified walking to the back door of my building or driving under the balconies for fear of having an air conditioner fall out of a window just to land on me or on my car and come crashing through the roof, killing whoever happens to be underneath it. These are the things I worry about. A twister? Seems like small beans to me in comparison.

Also? I'm pretty sure the KGB is after me - or rather, trying to communicate with me under the guise of spam-mail. I've received several e-mails to my work address that resemble the following:

kgbkoockdiphicedeikgbhiincnlld@email.travelalerts.ca

This is what I get from this e-mail: (Note: I never actually open the e-mail. I mean this is the KGB people, they're not going to send an everyday e-mail. Everything I need to know is coded in the e-mail address. This is why I'm the chosen one, y'all.)

"KGB" = is not what you think it is - it is how they address me, and it stands for "Kind, Gentle Beauty" (those Russians may seem hardcore, but they're romantics at heart ya know).
"Koock" - I assume "Koock" to be the codename of one of the KGB enemies located in my area.
"Diphiced" = Since these Russians are technically ESL students, this is kind of their dyslexic way of writing "deciphered". So they're starting to tell me that this "Koock" character is onto the correspondence method of choice. Oh shit.
"KGB" = "KGB". Duh.
"hiincnlld" = "Hi! Intel cancelled." Basically, this means they wanted to drop me a line to let me know they're still interested (hence the "Hi!"), but that because of this "Koock" guy's antics, they're going to have to withhold communications from me for a while.
To be honest with you? This is fine by me.
Loony Out.

When getting dressed for work this morning, I could not have foreseen the following conversation taking place between myself and my friend K via text message this afternoon:

(BACK STORY: I discovered a shirt in my closet that I forgot I had and decided that today would be the day I'd take it out for a spin to see if we still agreed with each other. While at work I happened to look down once and noticed that there was an exceptional amount of cleavage/boobage showing, but desperately needed a second opinion. Hence the following...)

I apologize for the poor quality photo, but it was taken with the camera on my phone, and given the fact that I was trying to take a picture of my scantily clad chest while in the middle of the office, I wasn't going for quality. I was looking simply to get the photo before some of my co-workers came by and saw what I was doing. I'm technically still on probation you know.

So I send her the picture asking her opinion on the professionalism (or lack thereof) of the wardrobe selection for the day.

K: OMG no you did not?!?! It's kinda hard to tell...might be on the cusp.

ME: 'No I didn't' what?

K: Take a pic of your cleave and send it to me...but obviously you did.

Me: Yes I did..you can share it with friends around the office if you'd like. (Don't judge - those people have no idea who I am. I was kidding, but I mean c'mon...if I'm posting the picture on the internet, then I'm pretty sure that already qualifies me for amateur cyber-pornstar status.)

K: I'm sure Jared* would love me to send this to him! (*Some names have been changed to protect identities and sexual conquests)

Me: Well you don't want to show the boobs of another girl to the guy you were just with last night. C'mon K!

K: I know...especially because they're nice ones!

Me: Awww...thanks! I'm flattered that you like my boobies!

K: Although when I look at that pic quickly it kinda looks like something else...

Me: Don't say a butt....

K: Nope....vajayjay.

Me: (horrified!) MY BOOBS LOOK LIKE A CROTCH TO YOU?! No one thinks a crotch looks good! Oh, this is horrible!

K: (scrambling to cram her foot in her mouth) Just when I looked at it fast!!! They don't normally look like that!

Me: OMG, what if people around the office think the same thing?! What if I'm known as the girl with the "Crotch chest" and don't even know it? People might be calling me "Vagina Boobs" and lord help me if I ever grow an errant hair in the area! Oh my god this is terrible!

K: Hahaha omg you're making me laugh out loud!!!!
(Ed Note: can I please mention how even though at this moment I'm wanting to beat this girl senseless, I'm secretly loving her because she actually wrote out "laugh out loud" in a text instead of the ever-so-popular "Lol"?)

Me: This is no laughing matter! Did you set this all up so you could laugh at your crotchy-chested friend?

K: Yup!! It's been planned for a while now. 'Cause I knew you were going to send me that pic...
(I think I detected a hint of sarcasm behind that text...)

Me: You're a twisted individual K...no wonder we're friends. But hey - silver lining? At least it's my chest that looks like a cooch and not my face, right?

Me: Right??....??

I'll Huff and I'll Puff and I'll just watch your house fall down because it's a piece of crap...

As our frustrations about apartment living continue to build momentum, we've been spending our weekends for the last month or two looking at houses. Overall, we haven't been having much success (obviously, since we're still here). There have been three houses that have caught our attention (okay, I lied - there have been more than that, but only three that counted because the rest were the 'fun' open houses we went to of houses well beyond our price range).

House 1 of 3: We eventually ruled out because of the following (today is all about the listing apparently...)
1. Lack of a front closet. This sounds so stupid, but in our place in Toronto we didn't have a front closet and it got pretty annoying - especially in a Canadian winter.
2. The fact that there's no door leading directly to the backyard. This will prove to be an issue when it comes to Toby. While it's not a far walk, it would be an ongoing pain in the ass to have to walk him out to the backyard everytime he needed to do some business. Most humans with pups tend to have a door that goes right into the backyard which they use to let the pooch out and in. This is the kind of convenience we're looking for here.
3. It's kind of an illegal duplex. There's a full apartment in the basement, but it's not zoned as a property that is legal to have such a thing. The current owners rent to some pot-smoking college students. So to live there we'd either continue with the trend of the illegal tenants or look into getting the house all up-to-legal-standard - and I looked into it? It's a pain in the ass. I'd rather carry on with the illegal activity and be all super-badass.

House 2 of 3: Is awesome - so awesome that it sold right out from under us. So sad.

House 3 of 3: Is one of those houses that we knew would not be with us for too long. It's not an exceptionally large place, but it had just been flipped and was located halfway between the university and the college - meaning we'd live there for 3 or 4 years and then use it as a rental property for students. So we went back to look at this place for a second time. It was at this point we got a copy of the prelisting home inspection arranged for by the seller. The realtor who was showing us the house decided to be helpful and show us the two small things that the inspection references. I took a copy of this inspection for myself so that I could comb it through, and these are the alarming things I found, no thanks to the realtor. - (Yay! Another list!)
1. The first page does a lot of talking about how "the water and runoff drain should be aimed away from the foundation to reduce the risk of water infiltration".
Off to a good start....
2. "The finishing trim on several of the windows are poor". This is one of the things the realtor decided to point out to us. This? Is an understatement. In some spots there was about an inch of space between the trim and the window. The realtor was trying to justify it by explaining that there was plenty of materials under the siding to have the water just slick right down to the base of the house (where, apparently it's aimed INTO the foundation and likely to result in water filtration). He was also helpful in pointing out that the house next door was close enough that we'd need some pretty vicious wind and rain to affect these windows at all. Nice try, Mark.
3. The level of insulation in the attic is substandard - get an insulation contractor in to quote you asap. It's always a good sign when by page two of the half-assed inspection they advise you to start consulting contractors.
4. Under the heading for the foundation wall - "Mortar joints are deteriorating". This is another thing that realtor Mark decided to show us - Ryan went along for the trek to the back part of the basement where as he put it "The wall was crumbing". Can we say $$$??
5. My personal favourite: (also? one that Mark was not inclined to point out to us upon our visit) "Basement floor joists and beams are not standard style of construction...repairs have been undertaken by different owners over the years and workmanship appears substandard...reinstall proper posts or bearing walls on some of the stress points." While it's typical to form for me to have some smartass comment in response to this, I truly have no words this time. All I can say is good luck selling this house.

There were other smaller things identified in the prelisting inspection, but the inspector had identified right in the start that it was only a 2-3hr inspection and was not inclusive of building code standards - so I can only imagine what else would come up with a proper inspection. It's unfortunate that the real estate world is now inundated with people who are looking to make a quick buck by flipping houses without having the expertise to do it properly. Window trim we would've been able to deal with - and the fact that the furnace is likely to die out in the next 2-5 years we could handle as well...but mortar and joists are a little more than we're looking to handle at this point in time.

Back to the MLS listings.....

Oh, Oops!

Y'all remember my two consecutive rants about apartment living, right? Imagine my distaste when I'm on my way to take Toby outside this morning in my getting-ready-for-work haste, and there's a never-ending puddle of pee on the floor infront of the elevators. Needless to say, this little scenario resulted in a letter. (Surprised?)


Nothing's worse than when you write a letter in a rush and have a typo that you don't notice until you're looking at a picture of said letter. Blurg.

What this letter SHOULD have said was:



Correction: Nothing's worse than making yourself look like a jackass by posting a letter to your neighbours that unknowingly should be addressed to yourself.


Speaking of letters - I finally got something in the mail from Crest! And then a week and a half later, I got the same thing again! Oops! That's what I get for writing Crest this e-mail:

Hi Amy & the rest of the Crest Team,

If you will recall, about a month ago we were engaged in a dialogue about your product packaging after I wrote in regarding concerns about having repeatedly had your product in an orifice it was not meant to be in - my eye.
Granted, I was a little insulted when I went through mild pains to provide you with photos of the packaging in question, as well as editing those photos to include my commentary and ideas, only to find out that your company treats consumer attachments like biowarfare, and thus you weren't aloud to open them. But I digress.
More recently however it was brought to my attention when discussing the grocery list with my husband that we are due for a new back-up tube of toothpaste (if you believe it, I was never a Girl Scout - but I'm always prepared! I think it's because I'm a virgo - I'm betting your a cancer?)...anyways, since we buy Crest products, it made me think of your company, and I realized I have yet to receive anything in the mail from you. When I looked back at our correspondance, I notice it said 2 to 3 weeks, and yet it's now been 4. I'm curious as to what went wrong here as well as the progress on my issue??? I am an active problem solver and would like to be kept abreast on the matter at hand.
Looking forward to your response,

Although when I found out what they sent? Well....

"Dear Loony,

Thank you for contacting P&G about Crest.
I'm sorry you experienced a problem while using this product and I'm forwarding your unusual report to our Health and Safety Consultants. We appreciate your bringing this matter to our attention.
I want to assure you, all of our products are evaluated to ensure they're safe when used as directed. If you have questions or comments in the future, please call the toll-free number on our poduct package. I hope you enjoy using the enclosed coupon the next time you shop. Thanks again for getting in touch with us.
Sincerely,
Amy
Crest Team"

Attachment: One coupon for a free tube of Crest toothpaste.

So needless to say I was a little relieved when a second envelope came in the mail. I was thinking "okay, so here's the real gift". False alarm. Just more of the same.
Fully planning on cashing in both coupons (I mean, I did take pictures with elaborate commentary that they didn't even look at) I figured I should ask first to make sure this wasn't some sort of test.

Hi Amy,
Either the second coupon came quick, or the first coupon was just slow because I find myself with two coupons now. If I use them both, is Crest going to come after me for theft or fraud or something?

Looking forward to your response,

To which I got the following response:

Hi Loony,

Thanks for writing back to let us know you received both Crest coupons. Please feel free to redeem both coupons - we would be pleased for you to do so.

Thanks again for following up with us!

Karen
Crest Team

Amy is so over me. Either that or she's off on a mental health leave after having to deal with my correspondence.

Also? Mazda has not yet responded to my grand-slam marketing strategy. Ryan seems to think that Mazda and P&G talk. I'm starting to think he may be right.

Naturally in the course of the dog fight, it's the bitch who gets hurt

Last week I was trying to take Toby for a walk, but he was incredibly hyper and behaving in a way that earns him the occasional title of "Devil Dog". Upon giving up my efforts, we turn around to head back home when some punk teenager from across the street walking some little terror/terrier thing (see below) crosses over towards us. Since we can now socialize Toby with some of his canine friends (or foes), I told the kid that my dog was a little too hyper to listen properly, so this was going to be a quick hello for the pups and then we'd be on our way. So about three seconds of nose-to-nose action happens and I decide that now's the time to leave...except little-black-terror-on-the-retractable-leash decides he hasn't had enough of Toby yet. Before I know it this thing is all over my puppy (who's about 4 times his size, but a complete wimp*), and I hear one dog barking and one dog crying and neither noise sounds like my dog. At one point The Terror finally shuts up for a second so I can discover it's my dog crying. Of course by this point I've been trying to get the dogs separated (with no help from the teenager, thankyouverymuch), but their leashes are all caught up with each other, and now that I realize it's my dog crying, I'm in a near-panic trying to get him away from this black ball of teeth. I reach into the chaos to grab Toby's leash as close to the collar as I can get it, and that's when it happens. The Terror strikes, and I get bitten. Fortunately it was a cooler night and I was wearing a jacket which I thought had acted as suitable protection from the rambunctious, vicious beast....however, I was a little wrong. He didn't break the skin, but one of these:



...managed to do this:


That would be a bruise about the size of the palm of my hand. I didn't even think the dogs mouth was that big.

Of course by the time I got them separated (again, no thanks to the other human involved in this little scenario), I got Toby the hell away from The Terror - not thinking twice about the dog bite since it didn't hurt and I thought I had been 'protected'. Naturally Toby was okay and promptly resumed his Devil-dog ways, as my arm started to throb. By the time I got in the apartment the beginnings of a bruise had formed, but it wasn't until the next day that I discovered the true wrath of The Terror.
Now that I've taken one bite for him, I think my dear Toby has the impression that I am his protector. When we take him to the off-leash dog park and a dog chases him, his ears flatten out, his tail tucks between his legs, and he bolts for cover behind my legs.

**I'm not exaggerating when I say my dog is a wimp. It's hard to tell if it's his nature or if it's just because he's still so young. I just took him out to the front of the building to do his nightly business-before-bed, and he got so freaked out by some shadows that he started crying (which echos off the building and seems to magnify), and practically dragging me towards the door in the pursuit of safety.

Leave it to me to bring home a dog that is quite literally afraid of his own shadow.

Jesus and Mary May Be After Me...UPDATED

On my drive to work this morning as per my usual custom I looked in my review mirror when approaching a red light (I like to have advanced knowledge if someone's about to plow into the back of my car). What I didn't expect to see was a modern day Jesus in the passenger seat of a Mazda...and I'm pretty sure Mary was behind the wheel. Below is an artists (see: "my") rendition of what this looked like:



Right away I found myself wondering where Joseph was, 'cause really, when do you hear of Jesus and Mary, but not Joseph? This was around the time I figured they had probably stuffed ole' Joe in the trunk. It makes perfect sense - technically he was Jesus' stepdad - and honestly, how often do you find a kid who actually likes their step-parents? And let's face it...Mary got knocked up when she was engaged to Joseph, leaving him to raise a kid that wasn't even his. If you ask me, that would leave a bit of a sore spot in that relationship which I'm sure came up on more than one occasion:

Joseph: Mary, can you please rub my feet? My donkey died of heat exhaustion and I had to spend the last 8 hours walking home.
Mary: I'm really not a foot person Joseph...
Joseph: Yeah, well I'm not really into raising my fiance's illegitimate children, but I did it just for you. All I'm asking is for you to rub my feet. That's small beans if you ask me.

A couple thousand years of having that thrown in your face would grow pretty old I would imagine. I'm thinking they both got sick of him and finally decided to do something about it. The problem is, I had these thoughts when they were driving right behind me, and I'm not sure if Jesus can read minds or not, but they looked a little on edge after my theory was mentally worked through. If I was in fact right, they may come after me once they dispose of Joseph. Yet again, if I happen to disappear, you all know what happened to me (either Jesus and Mary got me, the elevator crashed, or the guy in my building with the handcuffs finally caught up with me.)

FYI? I'm not the only one who's seen Jesus!

UPDATE:
After reading this post one of my coworkers sent the link to a friend of hers who owns a Mazda dealership. She then joked about me submitting artwork for their advertising. Since I've only been working here for 5-6 months, she hasn't yet learned that she needs to be cautious with her playful suggestions as some of us are crazy ambitious and will take it to the next level. Naturally, once she suggested me working with Mazda on their advertising, I came out with the following (which will promptly be sent to Mazda headquarters):

"Jesus drives a Mazda - why don't you?"
"Mazda - the Messiah's choice"
"Save your money and your soul when you buy Mazda!"

Mazda should totally hire me.

This Post May Seem Sappy....But It's Mostly About Balls and Vampires - UPDATED

Just a few ways I know my husband loves me (without getting too embarrassing for him):

1. When golfing last weekend, I felt a sensation that can best be described as having had a bug fly up and splatter on my face like a car windshield. When I turned to Ryan I asked "Do I have anything on my face?", without hesitation he responded "A whole lot of pretty."

2. Breakfast in bed on a fairly regular basis (and we're not talking a bowl of cereal here people...). On the morning's when it's not breakfast in bed he offers to make me something while I scramble to get ready for work on time.

3. When I have the occasional stressful dream where he is an ass or he cheats on me or something and I wake up in the morning with a chip on my shoulder, he apologizes for how the nightmare-version of him behaved instead of calling the men in the white jackets to come and take me away.

4. He's found a way to find the humour in the way my mind operates (as opposed to calling the men in the white jackets - which really? I'm still a little baffled about.)

5. He's still with me even though I sometimes have the maturity level of a 5 year old - especially when it comes to his mistress: golf. Observe.



On the box that my golf balls come in. It also says "Long and Soft" on each individual golf ball, so everytime I go to tee up I subtly giggle. I think this is why I choke so often on my tee shots. Thanks a lot Noodle.




On the cover of his golf magazine. I mean seriously - how does one not interpret this as testicular? Also - why do they just want to find you one? Aren't they kind of a matching set??


He has the golf channel on every chance he gets - and so in the background I'm constantly listening to shaft, head, balls, long and stroke (I apologize to my in-laws should they be reading this). I find it interesting that the sport containing the greatest volume of terminology that can be interpreted in the context of male anatomy, seems to be the one that is more popular among the women of just about any age bracket when compared to other sports. What does that say about us?!

**UPDATE: I have determined that women need to rally together and create a sport that revolves around terms applicable to the female anatomy or anything we as females deem appropriate. I personally feel "iffy" about some of the terms used to describe our anatomy, but feel that these would be better suited for capturing the male 'audience'/participants. If we used sterotypical words like 'purse', 'shoes', 'make up', 'nursing bra', 'flowers', etc etc...(random, I know), I feel the male population would be less likely to roll with it. Put on your thinking Santa Barbara caps ladies!!



6. Finally, he's still with me even though one day soon I'm likely to bite his neck and suck his blood since I'm pretty sure I'm turning into a vampire after discovering this:


I have to say that I'm impressed at how sly this vamp must have been because I didn't feel a thing...except maybe a little itching afterwards. Wait, kind of a lot of itching. Just a minute you guys - did I just get a vampiric equivalent to an STD??? I am so going to kill that blood sucking Huh. Touché you disease ridden vampire. Touché.