...so I don't think it's anthrax and report it to the authorities...

If you'll recall, I recently wrote a letter to crest to which I surprisingly received a prompt response as seen below.



Okay, so I realize that the picture kinda sucks and for some reason it won't go any bigger for me, so FYI, it says: (NOTE: her typos have been left in for authenticity)

While it's great to hear you're pleased with Crest and find your mouth minty and fresh after each use, I'm sorry to learn some of the product got in your while brushing. We appreciate your bringing this to our attention and I'm sharing your report with our Health and Safety Division.

Many of our decisions to change or improve packages are based on feedback from concerned consumers like you. Please be assured I’m sharing your recommendations for with the rest of our Crest Team letting them know you'd like to see additional information added to the warning statement on the package.

Since the amount of help I can offer via email is limited, I'd like to follow up with you by postal mail. Please respond with your complete name and mailing address. Once we have that, you can expect to hear from us within the next 2-3 weeks. Meanwhile, please hold on to the package and any remaining product for two weeks in the event our Health and Safety Division needs to retrieve them.

For answers to medical questions, we recommend you speak with your doctor who will be able to give you the best advice.

Thanks again for getting in touch.

Amy
Crest Team

As I noted on the image of the e-mail response, they engaged in a bit of repetition. Let's review, shall we?

My original e-mail to them: "I love your toothpaste and find it leaves my mouth feeling minty and fresh after each use..."

Note their starting response: "...and find your mouth minty and fresh after each use..."

Ryan informed me that the whole repetition thing is a tactic used in sales. It is also used in hostage negotiations to calm and reassure terrorists. Thanks for making me sound like a terrorist Amy.

Also noted was the discussion on the Health and Safety Department retrieving my toothpaste. I immediately envision them showing up in bomb squad attire, or at the very least some hazmat outfits to take away my oral care products.

Finally, when they say "...we recommend you speak with your doctor...", I'm pretty sure what they're saying is "Seek psychiatric help. Immediately."|

So naturally I had to respond. My response to Amy and the rest of the Crest team is below, complete with images.

To: pg_naconsumerrelations@mailnj.custhelp.com
Subject: RE: Thank you for contacting Crest. [ ref:00D7JViV.5007Br5BE:ref ]
Date: Tue, 27 Apr 2010 00:50:43 +0000

Hi Amy,

Thanks for such a prompt response and for enacting so quickly on my concerns. I am pleased to see that Crest not only values consumers' feedback, but their eyesight as well. It's a very redeeming quality in a company as large as P&G.
For the benefit of yourself, your Health and Safety Division and the rest of the Crest Team, I have taken the liberty of attaching product photos. As you can see in the first photo, I was unable to adhere to your request to hold onto any remaining product as this photo is of an empty tube. Since I am from Canada (and not another Country known for having people with bad teeth...I think we all know who I'm talking about), boycotting any or all oral hygiene practices is not an option.
The second photo shows our new favourite Crest product (picture #2) - and the packaging of this product shows that it too advises, nay, dictates that the user must not swallow the contents, but fails to provide instruction should the paste make it into the eye.

Since we're talking about potentially changing product packaging, another time when I was brushing my teeth in a sleepy daze, I inadvertently got some residual toothpaste on my chin. Since I was half asleep at the time, I failed to notice this and went to bed. When I awoke in the morning I discovered that the zit that had laid claim to the better half of my chin had dramatically decreased in size (and redness) over night. How could this be? The toothpaste had effectively dried it out! Because of this, I'm suggesting that you include a statement about it's acne fighting powers on the packaging (see picture) - and/or re-package and re-market this product under the skin care departments of all suppliers. I may have just generated millions of dollars for P&G with this idea. You're welcome.

Also, as per your request, I have included my name and address below, however if you could provide some insight as to what sort of mail I can expect to receive from you, I'll be less likely to think it's anthrax and call the authorities. I don't want to go through that mess again.


Thanks for your continued interest in my concerns. Looking forward to your response.

Picture 1a

Picture 1b


Picture 2

I'm curious as to what they'll be sending along in the mail. I figured it's a 50/50 chance that it's either coupons/free stuff OR a restraining order. We'll soon find out.

This may make you vomit - and then you'd have to eat it.

I don’t quite know what it is, but I’m often spurred on to start weird conversations with Ryan in the mornings while I get ready for work. That’s not to say that weird conversations don’t take place all throughout my day…maybe they’re just prolonged in the morning? Maybe Ryan plays into the conversation more? Or maybe mornings are when I’m at my peak. Whatever the reason, rarely does a day go by when a conversation doesn’t take place that I’m sure makes Ryan beg the question “Why did I marry her?”
A prime example of this type of conversation took place a few days ago. To give you a little back story, we were both getting ready for work and Ryan had left a bun out on the counter and just sort of walked away from it. When I asked him about it, he said he was going to use it for his lunch, to which I advised maybe he shouldn’t bring a lunch that day since it was his last day at work and maybe his boss (who’s was actually a friend before he became a boss) would take him out to lunch as a “Thanks for doing a bang-up job!”. (Ryan was leaving on pretty amicable terms as he’s going back to school, so they don’t hate him). Anyways, the following conversation ensued…

Me: Maybe you shouldn’t bring a sandwich today. Because if you bring one, and then Sean takes you out for lunch, the sandwich is going to go bad.

Ryan: Okay?? (as in, what’s your point?)

Me: Well the thing is, when you chose to buy the 20 friggin’ pounds of lunch meat you promised that you were going to eat it all. And I know you keep your promises – so if you were to bring a sandwich today and don’t eat it because Sean takes you out for lunch and then the sandwich goes bad from being in a warm car for several hours out of the day and you eat it, it would probably make you sick and you’d throw up right away.

Ryan: Yeah, I probably would throw up if I ate a rotten sandwich. But I wouldn’t eat a rotten sandwich.

Me: BUT, if you bring the sandwich and it goes bad you’d have to eat it because otherwise you’d be breaking your promise. And then, when you throw it back up almost instantly you’d have to eat the vomit.

Ryan: ???

Me: Well, you promised to eat the meat, and it doesn’t count if you eat it and then throw it back up right away. I promised to love and to keep you forever, but if I throw you* up I’m not just going to leave you on the floor/in the toilet/in the trash recepticle/on the side of the road/in the back of the cab, etc etc.

Ryan: What’s happening here? I would not eat a rotten sandwich and I certainly would not eat my own vomit.

Me: Well, to be fair, you’d only have to eat the part of the vomit that contained the meat. You didn’t make any promises about eating the bun. But okay, what if you were stranded on an island that had nothing on it…no food to eat, no animals to catch and no resources you could use to build a trap to catch some water animals** ,but some weird virus invaded your body and you started throwing up. If your vomit was the only thing to eat to keep you alive the extra day it would take for rescue to come and get you, wouldn’t you eat the vomit?

Ryan: I’m not stranded on an island, so I don’t need to answer that.

Me: YOU WOULDN”T EAT THE VOMIT!? So basically what you’re saying is that you would rather DIE because you wouldn’t eat your own vomit than ever see ME your WIFE ever again?

Ryan: ….

Me: Maybe it’s better if you don’t answer that.

*this is a metaphor, people!
** also known as fish

Today’s entry has several valuable lessons:
1. Don’t buy the meat if you aren’t prepared to eat it. (even if it means eating the vomit-version of it)
2. Never make a promise to me unless you’re prepared to take it to an extreme (or rather, have me take it to an extreme on your behalf and then expect you to know what the hell I’m talking about)
3. Avoid me in the mornings. At all costs.

WIHBH: Why I Haven't Been Here

No, don't worry - I wasn't killed by an elevator. Although oddly enough, on a regular basis as I approach the elevators in my building one just opens up for me, completely unprompted. When I'd tell Ryan about this, I think that he just employed the "nod and smile" technique in an effort to shut me up, but today he witnessed it actually happen not once, but twice. He seems to continue being alarmed when I talk about how I think the elevators are plotting to lull me into a false sense of security so that I'll start trusting them, and then BAM!! That's when they'll drop me like a prostitute's panties. I think the most alarming part of this for him is my tendency to attach thoughts/feelings to inanimate objects - something I've been doing since child hood when I convinced my best friend one day when she pissed me off that the Gummi Bears were going to come off my wallpaper and attack her if she didn't cut it out.

Anyways, where was I? Oh yes - I disappeared for over a month, and it certainly wasn't due to death. Truth be told, there are two legitimate reasons (and a handful of half-assed & insulting reasons) why I haven't been around. The first is because I can't stop sleeping. Sounds like bullshit, right? But it's not. No joke y'all, I'd come home from work around 4:30 and manage to stay awake for about an hour before I'd fall asleep for an hour/hour and a half, then I'd wake up and it'd be time to make/eat dinner, followed by or in combination with the prime-time show of the evening. By the time this was all done, it'd be approaching 9:30-10pm, at which point I would fall asleep again until 7am the next morning. What can you take from this? Sleeping, eating, and watching tv rank higher on the priority list than entertaining you. I realize the error of my ways now.
"But Loony - there's a one-hour gap between your arrival home from work, and the start of your evening nap. Why couldn't you blog then?"
The answer to this question is one you're not going to like. My limited hours of consciousness have been spent here:


Note the topic highlighted in the top right corner, and my acronym highlighted in the center. Yes, this is where I've been spending my time. Please try to withhold judgment.


So you're probably wondering what this is exactly. Years ago I got sucked into this game called "Acrophobia" - where a topic is chosen and some random letters are put on the screen. Each player must come up with a sentence to suit the letters on-screen - otherwise known as an acronym. When the timer runs out, all player's answers are posted on the screen and each player votes for their favourite. The acronym with the most votes wins. This "Acrophobia" game was cancelled or something years ago, but I have recently discovered this cheaper-looking version called "AcroChallenge". I am confident that after learning that this is what I've been doing with my time, my level of awesomeness weirdness has increased exponentially in your eyes. (In hindsight, using math-related words like 'exponential' isn't exactly helping my cause). So, onto less losery things (I hope)...

Some recent letters written by yours-truly:

Dear Crest,
I love your toothpaste and find my mouth always feels minty and fresh after each use, however, I have a suggestion for your customer service and marketing departments. I would like to advise that on the packaging you include emergency response instructions should a consumer inadvertently get your product in her eye. Some of us seem to enjoy your product so much we get a little over-zealous with the act of brushing and the toothbrush gets away from us and shoots up to the eye like something out of a pornographic film. I have to say my concern intensified as I read on your product label that this toothpaste (which is designed to go IN MY MOUTH) is not meant to be swallowed, so I can only speculate as to the type of damage it could do in the eye. Now, MY initial instinct was to flush it out with water, but only AFTER I completed brushing my teeth. I figured, why flush it out now if it's just going to happen again, right? HOWEVER, if you included some statement regarding this scenario on your packaging, I may have felt the need to flush out with water IMMEDIATELY after, as consumers are often advised on other product labels. You may be thinking to yourself that this was a one-time occurrence, but I assure you, it was not. This has happened to me several times prior, fortunately however they took place late in the toothbrushing process when only a residual amount of toothpaste was present.
Please revise packaging ASAP.

Sincerely Yours,
Loony

*Note: Crest hasn't responded yet, but I'm hopeful that they'll send a draft copy of emergency response instructions my way before they send it out to market.)


A week or two ago on the way home from work, I was approaching a stop-sign right by my building. A guy coming from my right was also approaching the stop-sign, however he didn't feel the need to stop. In fact, he understood the stop sign to read "Hit the gas and peel around the corner like a maniac" - and so he did. Thinking to myself "What a douche-canoe", I continued on my way, not expecting to have much more to do with this individual. That was until I saw him turn into my building's drive-way (with no signal!). The driveway from the road to the back parking lot of my building is snake-like - several bends are involved in an up-slope which ends at a blind-corner into the actual parking lot. This guy in his ugly maroon pick-up with the "Back Off" bumper sticker and the skull & crossbone stickers on the back window just ripped through this driveway, wheels squealing at every bend. Having not had a good look at the guy, and judging by his stupid truck, I assumed it was some punk teenager who was trying to show-off. For a mere second I thought that maybe I should give the person the benefit of the doubt and that maybe, just maybe he was heading home so recklessly because there was some emergency or something.
When I got into the parking lot I was partially surprised to see a gino-looking guy in his early 30's wearing his sweatpants like he thinks he's LL Cool J, taking a slow saunter to the door of the building. The point? He was driving like an asshat for nothing. The next day when we arrived to his vehicle, he found the following:

Good Morning Jackass,
You need to slow yourself down when pulling into this parking lot and when driving on the residential streets in this area. No one is impressed by your squealing tires or your douchey bumper stickers, and honestly? You look like an idiot. I'm sure you weren't cool the first time you were 17, why you want to try again and fail so miserably, I'm not too sure. Rest assured however that if I see you driving like that again I won't hesitate to give your plate number and car model to some cop buddies of mine so they can keep an eye out for you.

Sincerely Yours,
Concerned Neighbour

**As an update to this letter, he has no idea who I am or who left the letter, but I'm kinda hoping he never finds out since today I discovered a pair of HANDCUFFS attached to his front dashboard. Since I'm pretty sure he's not a cop, I'm starting to wonder if he's an abductor who handcuffs his victims - and let's face it. A letter like that might make me a target for his vengeful side. So if I disappear again for another month or longer - you'll know where I've gone.